Rock n Roll Clothing Needs a Reset

The seventies and eighties where the height of absurd clothing worn by rock stars.  Now rock stars and musicians wear on stage something that looks like they picked up at a thrift store that was never cool when it was new.  The seventies rockers wore everything from skimpy tops, tight pants and humongous bell bottoms to leather chaps. The men could wear anything from pirate get ups to space age tin foil outfits.  The eighties were more about spandex, but they also brought back the suit as a stylish choice.  Suits have been banned from the stage since 1989.  The grunge look of the early nineties was a low point for rock n roll clothing because army boots with shorts and flannel shirts is never going to be cool.  They dummies who followed this trend are just slobs in disguise and posers.  Unless you were Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam the rest of the rockers were copy cats that look foolish.  Nowadays its anything goes. I still think the performers should look different than the audience. I want to be entertained with both sight and sound otherwise I could just stay home and listen for free.  Come on rock stars put-on seven-inch space boots with a clown outfit and sing about outer space.  The show must go on. 



Another selfie?... Thank God, I almost forgot what you looked like

Most people think the word selfie is a recent invention, which may be true.  People have taken their own self-portraits with cameras… for I don’t know, maybe 150 years.  People posting their selfies on the internet, maybe twenty-five? People snapping a lot of selfies of themselves has really boomed in the last ten to fifteen with smartphones. You think people are getting very curious of their own perception of themselves?  They want to know what others think of them as they smile and pose in a cute outfit. They want immediate feedback and there is a certain number they have in mind of responses they want to see.  If that number meets that threshold then their self-esteem is lifted.  All is fine and dandy when the image that has been displayed gets adequate response… but if it doesn’t?  What happens next? Is it back to the drawing board for a better picture? Is your day ruined?  There are two choices to battle the feelings of inadequacy;  first and foremost, avoid all attempts to post selfies to build your self-esteem. Second, and probably the only tried and true way to get a lot of responses is to give the people something really interesting to look at.  If that means putting on a suit or cocktail dress, then do it. But if you really want to get some action try putting on a neck brace or an eye patch.  What I am trying to tell you is give the people something they really have to talk about.  This random pose of you sitting there with a cheesy grin is old and tiresome, I’m bored with it and I know by now what you look like.  If you want to take one normal picture of yourself and post it January 1st,  keep the trend so I will be able to see a documented display of your aging.  In the meantime, wear a Lady GaGa outfit or sport a mowhawk and make me chuckle as I press the button saying, “Yah I like it.”

It's Another Television Talent Show!

I cannot watch anymore of these competitions. They all have the same general format of a performance followed by critique from a panel of judges. Most of the judges are not experts in the field of the performers schtick. The poor sap has to stand in front of these boobs to either receive praise or tell them that they are sounding a little off pitch. The winners of these competitions are those who look halfway decent on TV and are somewhat likeable. The most despairing part of some of these shows is when they let the general public participate in the voting. Talent doesn’t always win over a participant with the look. Every year there seems to be more of these types of shows infiltrating the airwaves with the same format.  Now they have a judge panel for ventriliquists, mimes, chickens that play piano and blind jugglers. I am waiting for the day when the performer can tell the judge to screw them self and they wouldn’t know talent if they saw it. So what, you were once a character on a sitcom, that doesn’t make you an expert on anything. 



Valentines Day… A Day to Remember

I learned my lesson many years ago not to take Valentines Day too lightly. When your partner says, “It’s just another day, you don’t have to do anything for me,” that is the code for you to do something. It doesn’t even have to be much, it’s just the thought that you did something out of your ordinary routine of taking her for granted. Even my father with a house full of kids new this code. He would bring home the biggest heart-shaped box of chocolates that no woman would possibly eat but he knew that bigger was better.  After the kids plowed through that box of delights and my mother got the last remaining piece, she was happy and he felt relieved.  

            I looked up what other historical events happened on February 14th and surprisingly all those listed had nothing to do with love. Here’s an example of some of those mentioned;

In the year 1400, The deposed Richard III is murdered in Pontefract Castle in Yorkshire. Quite possibly he got caught shagging the Chancellor of Exchequers spouse.

In 1779, American Loyalist were defeated by Patriots at Kettle Creek, GA. Possibly, the first recorded Super Bowl? Coach Bill Belichicks and Tom Brady’s ancestors must have orchestrated this victory

In 1848, James Polk became the first US president to be photographed in office by Matthew Brady. He shunned his wife and she wasn’t included in the photos. Polk became a one term president

In 1894, comedian Jack Benny was born.  Not exactly a model for romance. For instance, one of his famous quotes was, “My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

In 1904, the Missouri Kid was captured when he was turned in by a young woman because he forgot to bring her freshly picked wildflowers.

In 1929, Chicago gangster, Al Capone had seven of George “Bugs” Moran men gunned down. They were all men that forgot to bring their wives flowers and confections and had to pay a high price for their crimes. Hence, the St. Valentines Massacre.

In 1965, Malcolm X’s house is firebombed. An ex-girlfriend was the assumed assailant but never was caught.

1989, Iranian Leader Ayatollah Rudolla Khomeini charged that Salmon Rushdie’s novel, The Satanic Verses, is blasphemous and issue a ‘fatwa’ calling on all Muslims to kill Rushdie. Apparently, he said that a woman needs a little extra loving on occasion.

As you can clearly see that if we don’t step up there is hell to pay. The punishment might be a cold shoulder, the roll over in bed that suggest for you to go polish the bishop. Or you might get lucky and get a free pass and that free pass usually expires really quick. My suggestion is to mark your calendar for such moments like Valentine’s Day, your anniversary and the place you first kissed your fair maiden and all other days you can accidently forget. As Forrest Gump memorably said, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get. But if you don’t get any chocolates, you will have no life.”



Most Fist Fights Are Not Worth Watching

Most fist fights I have seen are rarely much of a fight. Two angry people going toe to toe in some kind of bare-knuckle boxing match never happens. Two people performing martial arts on each other is fictional horse dung. I once saw a kid in seventh grade land a side kick to the face of another kid. It was straight out of a Bruce Lee movie and that’s how he probably learned it. I have never seen a similar kick that landed in my lifetime.  Most brawls involve over amped people who should just take a chill pill but quickly decide to lay harm to each other. The punches are never haymakers but more of a slurry of short choppy punches that are blocked because one person is on the ground covering up. It’s unsettling to see one person hit another in the face. It’s cringeworthy.  I have taken some blows to the mug and have decided I don’t want to have to endure that any more. Black eyes and chipped teeth just make you look like a freak show to be stared at. I also can’t stomach hair pulling because I think it’s dirty fighting, so is kicking to the knee cap along with sucker punching to the nose unless you have been jumped by a thug. Those who do this should get a big dose of bad karma and a kick in the privates.

Metaphysical and Magical Thinking...What Thinking?

I hear the word, metaphysical thrown around now and then, but I have no idea what it means. Here is the definition as Webster states: of or relating to the transcendent or to a reality beyond what is perceptible to the senses. Sure sounds like a bogus word to me. So, now that I know the meaning I will look at the person using this stupid word and know that he or she is either full of baloney or they don’t know what the answer is. I can see the conversation already. 

          “I was driving down the freeway the other day and an animal that I didn’t recognize as being of known species ran along the side of the road then disappeared into the woods. It was a metaphysical experience.”

How are you supposed to respond to this? How come you didn’t use the cell phone you where texting on to snap a picture?  Or perhaps it disappeared because it was scared shitless.

What is it a sign of impending doom? Or was it like a bigfoot siting. It must be metaphysical? 

Metaphysical really means: I don’t know the answer. Metaphysical is like the term, magical thinking.  Another word that should be categorized as bullshit.  Magical thinking has a definition written as such: a term used in anthropology and psychology, denoting the fallacious attribution of causal relationships between actions and events, with subtle differences in meaning between the two fields.  Okay I am even more confused by, fallacious attribution of casual relationships.  I interpret that as coincidence.  Let’s face it, not everything can be explained with some dumb words. If something weird happens and it cannot be explained all you say is “I don’t know or what the hell was that. 

The Exterminator

How does one become an exterminator? If your father was an exterminator, there may be a chance you will become one too. The fellow that came to my house to do some bug killing and prevention of all those little critters that get into the inner sanctum of my home, was a really nice guy. I didn’t get the chance to ask him how he became a master bug hitman. I know if I had that job I would have nightmares of spiders crawling on me. They would be coming after me for all of the carnage I inflicted on his friends. This exterminator could have chosen any profession on the planet but the path he took was one of pest control. I know its value as a profession and should not be judged as a lesser of a choice, but it seems odd to find oneself doing the job. The choices we make are so finely diced between the paths we take. The difference between an exterminator and an entomologist or the crime scene cleanup crew and a detective and yes…a peep show operator and movie director can be separated by only one choice that gets made in a lifetime.

Collecting Stuff...and More Stuff

I used to collect stuff...things like baseball cards, Mad Magazines and GI Joes. As I got older, I collected concert tickets, T shirts, and books. Years passed and I moved onto tools, guitars and knives. Then it became a fascination with magazines, tin signs and beer glasses. Now I have a house full of stuff that I don’t know what to do with.  Memories are one thing but having all this stuff means that there is no room to collect more stuff. Hoarders just say screw it, I’m going to stack this stuff as high as I can. Then I’m going to collect more stuff just because I have no control over myself. There is the old saying, “the things you own, really own you.” Sadly, it’s true.  If you own vehicles, boats and houses you soon find out the bitter truth. Look at all of the time spent taking care of this stuff. Oh, how I would love not to have all of the stuff I shamelessly have in my home.  Yes, I can have a garage sale or give it all away.  Most of us will not do this and will rely on our loved ones to get rid of it when we die.  The saying, “you can’t take it with you when you die,” gets put to the test every day. You must know that every garage sale has dead people’s stuff, to be reincarnated into someone else’s existence. This is the cycle of life.

Your Suit is Outdated…Again

Why is a suit and tie considered the standard for being dressed up?  Why is it that when you put any man or scoundrel in a suit then all of the sudden they are thought of as respectable, dignified and well dressed. What a crock of hooey. I am glad there has been a trend to get away from this hot mess of an idea. Women’s fashions change all of the time but for some reason a suit appears to be stuck in a time warp. Designers can change the length, the lapels and buttons but you still recognize it as a suit.

Can you imagine a 100-year run of t shirts and cargo pants as the standard for well dressed? Or Hawaiian shirts considered to be the gold standard for respectable clothing? In Hawaii… they seem to think so.  And cowboys don’t wear suits. Cowboys have their work clothes and dress duds but essentially look the same except one set is cleaner and less worn than the other.  I have my work shorts and my dress shorts as well.  I own a suit and might have to dust it off for a wedding or a funeral but never anything else. For all of those who have to wear a damn suit all of the time, it must feel like a clown outfit at the end of the day.  You have to care for it and have expensive dry cleaning to maintain it.  The first thing a man does who wears a suit to work is when he gets in the car to go home is loosen or rip off the tie.  The tie is another lame fashion accessory that needs to be ratcheted down in importance.  A piece of silk tied around your neck is not worthy of any respect… why should it?  I rather see a Mr. T gold medallion than some striped piece of cloth, even worse a solid colored fish shaped piece of material that hangs down to the bottom of your pot belly.  The movement to eliminate the suit must continue to prevail.  A rather see a man of dignity in a bath robe, makes more sense.  When he is done impressing everybody, he simply whips it off and presents a pair of shorts and a t shirt.  Everybody is put at ease. Now men can be men. 



A Bucket List...Dump it Out

The term “bucket list” wasn’t a thing that I’d ever heard muttered from my parents. Their idea of a bucket item would be for us to get through high school without becoming a juvenile delinquent on the path to ruin. This moniker is a term now thrown about when somebody feels they need to have a master list of everything they want to do before they keel over. I sat down and tried to compose such a list.

Most people put travel high on their list followed by a sabbatical from nine to five. Then you have to write down some hobby that you discarded years ago because it looked like a foolish endeavor. Maybe chainsaw art and metal forging are foolish but dammit, they make me happy so that should be on the list. I say rebuild that muscle car, the one you never owned in high school to impress the teenage girls. It will be different this time around, you will impress other old dudes who did the same thing while you stand in a parking lot admiring each other’s dreams. Your 1966 Barracuda will get you plenty of admiration from Stuart Hamm who rebuilt a 1971 convertible Dodge Charger and you can compare who spent more on their baby.

Next up, you are going to look up your family tree and compile your lineages history. Somebody in the family has to do it but don’t be discouraged when you find great Uncle chuck was actually adopted and that you have an aunt that is doing time in the pen for embezzling.

The list should probably include your desire to speak another language. I personally thought about this too, maybe I will pick one no one else knows, that way I can’t be judged how well I speak it. If I could rattle off some Pennsylvanian Dutch or Swahili, who wouldn’t be impressed. 

You say you always wanted to be a photographer, well you caught a break on that one. Your cell phone has replaced the camera so now you can click away endlessly until you get a selfie where your eyes aren’t pink and your gold-covered tooth isn’t admitting a weird laser beam of light out of your mouth.

These bucket lists are starting to appear as though the real bucket you need is a pail of money. Maybe robbing a bank should be on the list or swindling funds in some cockamamie land scheme. I say start a low budget version on the side just in case things don’t work out on the high roller list. For instance, I know volunteering is still a free thing and organizing your garage is relatively cheap, which probably just involves a garbage can and trips to Goodwill.

In all seriousness, forget the bucket list and instead just put a few ideas in your mind and think about them constantly. Those thoughts will happen because you have become obsessed and drove everybody around you nuts by constantly talking about them. Then you will be in no position to deny yourself of those things you always wanted to do. So, go out and run for city council and put yourself out there on a limb… or on a yard sign and pontificate how you can help others with their dreams.


Mean People Suck

We meet and see mean people all the time. Or are they just temporarily mean? I myself get temporarily mean when I lose patience. I lose patience with those who lack simple manners. I don’t expect others to have impeccable politeness and social grace, but I think there is a basic code that needs to be followed. ‘Treat others the way you would like to be treated.’ Having contempt and to constantly complain about others actions will lead you down a hole of misery. Don’t be known as Mr. Crankypants or Ms. Bitchwitch.  If you call these people out on their sourpuss ways, they tend to tell you to go screw yourself. The strategy of telling the meanies about their behavior never works because they are overly defensive. The best defense that always works, well at least 90% of the time is the love bomb. Laugh at their meanness and watch their head explode. Blow them a kiss. Imitate their behavior. Console their whimpers by asking them, “I heard about your problems, are you okay?” Flip it on them. Whatever you do don’t give them the reaction they want. This might make them meaner, but you can laugh harder. You can ask them if they need something, offer them a hug.  After they tell you to go F yourself, tell them that maybe lack of sex is their problem. Maybe they need a little lovey dovey and you can suggest some support or direct them to a 1-800 phone sex number. 

Old Rock Singers Voices

A lot of our beloved classic rock singers are approaching seventy years old and some have even surpassed it.  The years of traveling and partying takes its toll. A lot of these performers check out before they even reach sixty.  This is the price they pay to the devil for living the rock n roll life.  The ones that make it into their sixties lose their singing voice to something that sounds like a cross between a cartoon character and a bag full of marbles.  Bob Dylan is uncipherable. There should be subtitles shown when he sings.  Van Morrison mostly talk sings and Mick Jagger is basically shouting into the mic.  Now that more recordings of our favorite bands are available on music streaming services you get to hear the evolution of our favorite singers.  You hear their youthful voices progress over years into deeper versions.  The cigarette smoke and fast living adds a little sandpaper to the vocal chords. I am not a doctor, but I think the amplified music petrifies their eardrums and this doesn’t allow the singers to hear what they are singing about.  For those who choose the rock n roll path, we love you for it and the sacrifice.  Next time you hear Neil Young singing on stage don’t cringe, just be thankful he’s standing there carrying on. Long Live Rock and Roll!

Conversation 101 Needs Updating

I was at a party recently and the majority of the group were people I have known for years. It has become quite apparent to me that over the past decades most of these same folks never ask me anything about myself. I might get a “how ya doin?”

I try to ask questions when I meet people, particularly new people ... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying. I'd hope not to come across as being nosey. Just making general conversation.
You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are, they being polite (trying not to snoop) or is it more likely they are self-obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)
I just think a conversation should go like this...
General chat – “Hey great party, have you tried the artichoke dip? It has a little spice”
Question from person 1 - “You still working at the factory?”
Answer from person 2 -  “No , I quit that gig, now I’m a driver for Uber.”
General chat – “You’re right that dip is awesome but have you tasted the meatballs?”
Question from person 2 – “You still selling those kitchen gadgets?”
Answer from person 1 – “Yes, I am…I’m really trying to push these new Swiss Army Kitchen utensils.”
General chat – You like this beer? It tastes like they squeezed out bar rag
I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to, questions, especially if they ask you some.

With all of this said, enough of this politeness. My next approach will be different but might yield the same results. From now on, I’m not going to inquire or ask anything from these afflicted people but I’m going to ramrod their brains with nothing but me.  When they try to interject and hijack the conversation back to themselves, I will steer it back to me. More me less you. When they are done yacking with me, they will mostly likely think, what a self-obsessed S-O-B I am. They will certainly have to tell somebody else about my behavior. But the reaction I hope they get is, “I don’t think he is like that, he is always listening to me.” 

Maybe this will start some self-introspection for one of these conversation flunkies, but most likely it won’t. Lastly, this strategy could backfire and you might like talking about yourself more than listening and have now been indoctrinated into this group of folks of conversational drones.




Fundraising and Charity Madness

Because of our current tax code, giving to charitable organizations is a write off that lowers your overall tax bill. That’s why rich people get their names on buildings and institutes. I try to give away some of my loot to worthwhile causes. The problem nowadays is that after you give to a lot of charities you open the door for continuing badgering for more. First, it’s the simple letters, then emails and phone calls, then comes the real pleading when you get a big envelope with a coin embedded in the package. They say that coin represents some one’s wages in another country. These charities will give you beautiful calendars and envelope stamps. Please stop with this nonsense, you just chopped down a forest of trees for these calendars. Everybody with half a brain knows what day it is. Trying to play the guilt card is not a good enough reason to be charitable. It’s kind of like politicians selling fear as their only message.  Being charitable comes from the heart first then all of the other emotions can come pouring out. Keep it simple charitable people, just ask once or twice a year and give me the lowdown on your work. 

Can You Fix My Face, Doc?

I was coaxed into watching the Golden Globe Awards the other night. I gave it a quick gander before I lost interest and dozed off. I couldn’t take any more of this spectacle of famous folk thanking everybody liked they just found the cure for an infectious disease. My takeaway from this show; Hollywood sells many dreams. One of these dreams is eternal beauty. Actors and actresses try to hang onto their looks as long as human nature allows them. Their face is their resume and if the resume is outdated, producers look elsewhere. Such is the reality, so either you have to deal with it or make some changes. The facelift has been around for decades and many of actors have gone this route. They don’t call them facelifts any more, its call cosmetic surgery. The trend is to get the cheekbones and wrinkles pumped with Botox or collagen. Then consider getting some work on the old schnozzolla (nose). Next have your lips pumped with goo as well and then have your face stretched like silly putty. Then you have the look, a cross between a Keebler elf and a troll. Sadly, you can spot the work and everybody knows it was done. It seems that those who choose to go forward with the procedures can’t stop with one. Once they remove the bags under your eyes then you must certainly have to have your skin lasered to remove all imperfections and don’t forget the extra chin. The doctors won’t stop until they perfect the ultimate facelift of putting a new face over your old face. It may be made of pigskin, but it will be smooth as a baby’s bottom. To eliminate waste, the pig snouts will get sold to Dim Sum restaurants. It’s a win win.



The Age of Humiliation

Since the old days of privacy and confidentiality are now officially gone with the invention of camera phones, doing stupid acts in public are best kept to a minimum.  The stupid things I am talking about are not the perverted or hideous but are more innocent like singing dreadful karaoke or dancing with your shirt off at a Journey concert. Shaming is right around the corner when you are exposed on social media.  We as people better grow some thick skin and learn to except a new level of humiliation in our lives. You either get immune to seeing your public embarrassment or don’t indulge in anything that resembles too much fun. My wife still likes to show our family and friends the time we were on vacation in Puerto Vallarta while I performed a tequila enhanced cha cha on stage at a resort. I have to sit there and laugh at my lack of rhythm while others chuckle at my expense. If that is all I have to worry about in my closet of secrets being exposed, then I feel fortunate. The problem is that this won’t be the last time I drop my guard and let loose with a series of off-beat dance moves. We as people of the modern world have to carry on like no one is watching or we will be doomed to act like controllable little robots. Don’t lose your sense of humor just because somebody wants to document your behavior. I say give them something to really look at. This doesn’t mean that you should go Sean Penn on them and break their camera then push them to the ground. We are now in the age of overt exhibitionism and endless selfies so no need to ever worry that you have something so shocking that it shouldn’t be seen. If you have skeletons in your closet just hope they were done before 1998, just to be safe. 


Dog Walking

There are a few types of dog walkers.  First is the dogwalker who has firm control of the dog leash and walks with a consistent pace. This pace is to keep the dog in exercise mode and less distracted from the usual hazards of cats and other dogs. I give these dogwalkers credit for getting their dog exercised and some exposure to the outside world.  I have an office window which allows me to look out at the sidewalk in front of our home. I see those walkers who are moving at a fast pace and will even drag their dog to keep them moving forwards. Dog walking is more about themselves and their own personal exercise and not the dogs. They just want the task to be over as fast as possible and no pooping or peeing is permitted. Sniffing is not allowed and absolutely no marking of bushes. Then you have those who let their dog mosey down the street and pee, poop and sniff to their hearts content. My front yard is lined with fresh pee everyday by these walkers. When my dogs get outside, they head for the fresh pee like they have new email. This is called socializing your dog and I think it has its limits. Now I have to stock poop bags in my yard for those who consider pooping part of this routine. There is nothing I can do about it unless I want to stand outside like a security guard watching for bad behavior. The trend is leaning more to this type of dog walking. I am sure in the near future there will be dog lounges set up along the routes for dog walkers.

Drinking No No’s

Everybody who likes to indulge with an alcoholic beverage now and then can name a type of booze or concoction they stay away from.  This drink, at one time or maybe more has sent them to the porcelain temple to make a deposit. I tend to shy away from drinks that come in tall glasses and look like a Slurpee. That’s a for sure headache along with being a lethal combination of sugar and alcohol which can make you do stupid things like sing Karaoke on a cruise ship.  You may think you sound good, but you really tortured everybody with your rendition of “Another One Bites the Dust.”  People will see you around the boat and make it a point to avoid interaction with you.  Stick to what you know unless you want to take a chance and have a Fuzzy Navel and see what happens to you.  You might start talking some gibberish about how you want to do more for mankind. Start by not having a second one. 

Old Man Strength

I heard about the phenomenon of “old man strength.” I tend to believe in it. As I get older, I know I am not as strong as my younger days. Old man strength is the wisdom that we obtain through the years. Old men can kick a younger man’s butt by throwing the right punch at the right time, like when the other guy isn’t looking. See… that is wisdom.  Old men can kick you in the balls when you aren’t expecting it. Old man can pretend they are enraged which can be scary for a younger person.  Old man strength is how “Jedi Mind Tricks” was thought up. Old man strength means you don’t have to fight fair.  It something that happens naturally to old men like getting up to pee in the middle of the night.  As you get older your reserves of patience begin to dwindle with the same old bullshit of bad behavior by the human race. When we lose our patience, it can spill over into a psychotic shit show and we our possible of anything.  We can throw our dinner plates across the room or slam the door off its hinges when we lose it. Don’t mess with an old man when he reaches this state of rage. God forbid if the guy is liquored up or didn’t take his meds. Old man strength is real.


Mailperson, We Like You

Is being a mail deliverer a good job? I want to think it is acceptable employment. Think about it, you’re outside, walking, you have thundersticks for legs and no bosses are around to hound you. Sure, it’s a far cry from the pay of an investment banker but who really inspires to be one when they are a kid. Yah you make some good dough, but it looks like a lot of the same crap every day. “Let’s make ten million dollars and call it a day.”  You do that all day long and it gets boring just like setting widgets on an assembly line. Just another mode for making money then you go home and talk to your loved ones about the exciting numbers you saw on the computer screen. Now, when you are a mail delivery person, you can see all kinds of new things all day long. You can fight off vicious dogs one day and next day sexy women want to invite you inside to discuss the Publishing Clearing House sweepstakes. People generally like you when you are the mailperson except when you keep bringing them bills and a boatload of catalogues.