The Exterminator

How does one become an exterminator? If your father was one, there might be a chance you will too. The fellow who came to my house to do some pest killing and prevention of all those little critters that find their way into the inner sanctum of my home was a nice guy. I didn't get the opportunity to ask him how he became a master bug hitman. I know if I had this job, I would be having nightmares of spiders crawling on me. They would be coming after me for all the carnage I inflicted on his friends.

This exterminator could have chosen any career on the planet, but he took the path of pest control. I acknowledge its value as a profession and should not be judged as a lesser of choice, but it seems odd to find oneself doing the job. The choices we make are so finely diced between the paths we take. The difference between an exterminator and an entomologist or the crime scene cleanup crew and a detective and yes...a peep show operator and movie director can be separated by only one choice which gets made in a lifetime.

The Age of Humiliation

Since the days of privacy and confidentiality are now officially gone with the invention of camera phones, doing stupid acts in public is best kept to a minimum. The silly things I am talking about are not perverted or hideous but are more innocent, like singing dreadful karaoke or dancing with your shirt off at a Journey concert.

      Shaming is right around the corner when you are exposed on social media. We as people better grow some thick skin and learn to accept a new level of humiliation in our lives. You either get immune to seeing your public embarrassment or not to indulge in anything that resembles too much fun. My wife still likes to show our family and friends when we went on vacation in Puerto Vallarta while I performed a tequila enhanced cha-cha on stage at a resort. I have to sit there and laugh at my lack of rhythm while others chuckle at my expense.

       If this is all I need to worry about in my closet of secrets being exposed, I feel fortunate. The problem is that this won't be the last time I drop my guard and let loose with a series of off-beat dance moves. We as people of the modern world should carry on like no one is watching, or we will be doomed to act like controllable tiny robots.     Don't lose your sense of humor because somebody wants to document your behavior.

       I say give them something to look at. This doesn't mean you should go Sean Penn on them, break their camera, and push them to the ground. We are now in the age of overt exhibitionism and endless selfies, so no need to ever worry that you have something so shocking that it shouldn't be seen. If you have skeletons in your closet, I hope they were done before 1998 to be safe.

Dog Walking

Dog walkers can be grouped into a few defining styles when it comes to the deed of guiding your dog through public streets. First is the walker who maintains firm control of the leash and walks with a consistent pace. This pace keeps the dog in exercise mode and less distracted from the usual hazards of cats and other dogs. I give these walkers credit for getting their dog exercised and some exposure to the outside world. My office window allows me to look out at the sidewalk in front of our home. I see those walkers who are moving fast and will even drag their pets to keep them going forward. Dog walking is more about themselves and their exercise and not the dogs. They want the task to be over as soon as possible, and no pooping or peeing is permitted. Of course, sniffing is not allowed, and marking of bushes is out of the question. Then some let their dog mosey down the street and pee, poop, and sniff to their heart's content. My front yard is lined with fresh pee every day by these walkers. When my dogs get outside, they head for the new urine like they received an email. This is called socializing your dog, and I think this aspect needs limits. Now I stock poop bags in my yard for those who consider pooping part of this routine. I can do nothing about defecating unless I want to stand outside like a security guard watching for bad behavior. The trend is leaning more toward this type of dog walking. I am sure lounges with dog beds and bowls will be set up along the routes for dog walkers in the near future.

Drinking No No’s

Everybody who likes to indulge in an alcoholic beverage now and then can name a type of booze or concoction they stay away from. At one time or maybe more, this drink has sent you to the porcelain temple to make a deposit. I tend to shy away from drinks that come in tall glasses and look like a Slurpee. That's a for sure headache, along with being a lethal combination of sugar and alcohol, which can make you do stupid things like sing Karaoke on a cruise ship. You may think you sound good, but you tortured everybody with your rendition of "Another One Bites the Dust." People will see you around the boat and make it a point to avoid interaction with you. Stick to what you know unless you want to take a chance and have a Fuzzy Navel and see what happens to you. You might start talking some gibberish about how you want to do more for humankind. Start by not having a second one. 

Old Man Strength

Have you heard about the phenomenon of "old man strength?" I tend to believe in it. As I age, I know I am not as physically gifted as my younger days, but I am more stubborn than a mule, and mules are strong-willed bastards of a beast. Old man strength is the power we obtain through the years. Older men can pound a young man's butt by throwing the right punch at the right time, like when the other guy isn't looking. See... this is wisdom. Old guys can kick you in the balls when you aren't expecting it. An old man can pretend they are enraged, which can be scary for a young person. Old man strength is how "Jedi Mind Tricks" was thought up. Old man strength means you don't have to fight fair. It happens naturally to old men, like getting up to pee in the middle of the night. As you get older, your reserves of patience begin to dwindle with the same old bullshit of bad behavior by the human race. When we lose our patience, things can spill over into a psychotic shit show, and we are possible of anything. We can throw our dinner plates across the room or slam the door off its hinges when we lose our minds. Don't mess with an older man when he reaches this state of rage. God forbid if the guy is liquored up or didn't take his meds. Old man strength is real.

Mailperson, We Like You

Is being a mailperson a good job? I want to think delivering the mail is acceptable employment. Think about this, you're outside, walking, you have thundersticks for legs, and no bosses are around to hound you. Sure, it's a far cry from the pay of an investment banker, but who inspires to be one when they are a kid. Yeah, you make some good dough, but it looks like a lot of the same crap every day. "Let's make ten million dollars and call it a day." You do that all the time, and you will be bored senseless, like setting widgets on an assembly line. Just another mode for making money, then you go home and talk to your loved ones about the exciting numbers you saw on the computer screen. When you are a mail delivery person, you can see all kinds of new things all day long. You can fight off vicious dogs one day, and the next day, sexy women want to invite you inside to discuss the Publishing Clearing House sweepstakes. People generally like you when you are the mailperson, except when you keep bringing them bills and a boatload of catalogs.

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Black Stretchy Pants

Black stretchy pants are overtaking jeans as the pant of choice for women. You won't find men complaining because of the apparent focus on the posterior, and you won't hear women complain because it seems like a quick and easy thing to throw on. Do you even iron them?

These britches could be lying on a bedroom floor for days; then, a female can put these on without anybody knowing the neglect they have been given. Of course, there are many colors to choose from, but black is the most popular. I once saw a flesh-colored pair adorned by a tall blond woman, which wrenched my neck for hours. Those pants need to be outlawed because of the havoc they can create.

I hope these pants never become men's fashion go-to. They cannot ever replace my scrubby cargo shorts no matter how much my wife pleads to throw them away. Men can always get away with quick and easy clothing; it's called the "Tee Shirt." We can wear them everywhere; to work, play, and dinner, and we won't be judged as much as a woman would if they started wearing them like us. They own their t-shirts, but they always seemed to be much more fashionable and ironed. I guess the black stretchy pant thing is here to stay unless loose and baggy make a comeback. Let's hope not.

Bullshitting

On occasion, I do some construction work on the side with another fellow. We spend all day talking about subjects that women just wouldn’t understand. Some guys like to talk sports, some about women, some about politics and others just want to bitch about everything in between. Women gab with each other about family, parents, kids, food recipes, men and fashion. The bullshit is different, but the result is the same, knowledge and opinions are shared.  I like my bullshit delivered in story form and make it funny while you are at it. Don’t bore me. If it’s a bunch of halve truths at least you can do is entertain me. I will determine how much I want to believe of the heaping pile of dung you just told. I call it creative lying. When the person doing the fabricating thinks you believe the platter of poop you delivered is just what politicians have mastered. I have over the years have developed a good bull shit detector because I have also done my share spreading the bull. And …if you are reading this don’t be so high and mighty to think you haven’t embellished your stories over the years. Hey…. it’s okay, it goes on every day, every minute, every second and started when the caveman started writing on the walls. He always overexaggerated the boobs on the cavewomen and the animals he killed.

Appetizers

They were once called appetizers and are now identified as starters. I am not sure how other countries serve starters, but I see these selections growing larger and larger on restaurant menus.

It's all based on math and profit-making. If you order two or three appetizers or starters, that adds up to more than an entree meal. Many diners will feel cheated they didn't order an entree, so they order one and bring it home. Americans like to eat until they explode, and this trend fills the coffers of the restaurant owners. There will be a time when the starters outnumber the entrees. The minority will be the majority. The majority will no longer control the menu, and the likes of stuffed mushrooms will rule the day. Those days of cocktail wieners are long gone, and now you find things like burnt ends and roasted Brussel sprouts.

 This sounds ingenious because the items once put in the garbage or dog food bowl have been dressed up as a starter. I went out dining the other night and saw mac and cheese on the starter menu. Mac and cheese has grown up...no longer is it cheesy goo in a cardboard box. The starters are the entrees in some restaurants... so where do we go from here? Will the new starters be cocktail olives and celery sticks with pimento cheese? Will there be pre-starters? The future is wide open.

Alternative Facts

These two words were never put together until a political pundit and government crony, Kellyanne Conway, used them to describe the presses reporting about the turnout for President Trump's inauguration. The press was sure the crowd was quite underwhelming compared to previous ceremonies, and that is when the two words made their first appearance.

We can now thank the mass media for allowing this new term to survive catchy phrase extinction. The phrase has undoubtedly been copyrighted, and you need to pay someone to use it. I even found myself using the words when my wife and I were in a quarrel where nobody could win. I spewed out, "You just have alternative facts." She threw those words back in my face, "It's you with alternative facts." She now uses "Alternative facts" against me, replacing the phrase, "You are suffering from A-D-D." as a last resort go-to in an argument. I don't like either, but until she finds a better one, I'm stuck with "alternative facts."

Bullshit phrases is where we are at as a society. A couple can dismiss a verbal spat by declaring, "alternative facts," "altered reality," or "I don't recall." I'm waiting for the next set of words to come from politicians, criminals, and lawyers warning us a lie is about to be told.

Body Hair, To Be or Not to Be

Sometimes I envy those fellows who decided body hair will never be an issue to worry about. They will let all of their hair growing on the body go unattended for long periods. This includes all scalp, ear, nose, back, neck, face, pubic and chest hair and how can I forget, eyebrows. Most men don't give a second thought about eyebrow hair, but I have seen plenty who need a little manscaping.

I think if you let your body hair go wild and free for a significant period, you will begin to appear repulsive to most of the opposite sex. Unless, of course, you can find a partner who either has a fetish for this or is a natural person.

I wonder about the men who grow their sideburns so long they can comb them into their regular scalp hair. Don't they realize this style went out in the 1890s? When nose hair grows into a mustache, I contemplate if the guy owns scissors or a mirror. I fight ear hairs going undetected for weeks until they sprout out to a length resembling antennas.

 Usually, chest hair is the last thing to be trimmed. Most guys don't possess enough to anguish about. The hair growing above your collar is an alarm to put to rest the werewolf look. Back hair is in its own category. Check out the guy with a hairy back as he whips off his shirt at the pool... wait a few seconds until the eyes of judgment reign upon him. Poor bastard must be given credit for the bold move.

Lastly, we need to address the pubic area, which is not as critical except for one thing; Does the hair cover up your manhood so much it is missing in action? A precaution to be noted is to be careful not to rush too quickly into battle. Choices need to be made, such as scissors, electric trimmers, wax, Nair, and matches. I don't recommend matches because the odor of burning hair is horrendous. I go with the electric trimmer until I'm safe enough my skin is nowhere near cutting blades. Like I said before, you can bypass all the body hair correctness by going total manly manliness, but I warn of the consequences.

Coffee Madness

I was at Starbucks the other day, standing in line ready to order my usual Vente (which means large in Starbuck code) and room for Half n Half. I noticed they raised the price to two dollars and seventy-five cents. As a society, we accept that a simple cup of java has reached extortion level pricing. What should only cost twenty-five cents is now jacked up in price by adding presentation and performance, which increases our beverage price ten-fold. The proof of this presents itself when you buy their coffee at the grocery store and brew at home. It turns out the cost of two large cups of coffee purchased at a Starbucks shop is equal to about fifty cups brewed at home.

My point here is that when you go into a Starbucks or some other chain, it's not about coffee. You are paying for the surroundings, the sights, the smells, and the sounds of patrons reeling off silly concoctions to a Barista. Barista is a term that never existed before all of this nonsense began with modern coffee establishments. You are stuck watching the all-mighty barista conjure up everybody's beverage while you stand waiting and asking yourself, "why do I always end up here?" I'd rather be served by a lady named Betsy wearing her waitress uniform pouring me unlimited dollar coffee. Call me cheap or old-fashioned, but deep down, you agree with me, but a mass of the population can't help ordering a "Grande soy latte with a pump of caramel. That will be five-fifty, please!"

Yes, a latte or a cappuccino costs you more than a gallon of gas and won't get you as far. You see folks fueling up with enormous amounts of caffeine before they dive into the morning traffic. This mix of frustration and a stimulating liquid results in bad decisions made behind the wheel. Have you looked at the drivers in the diamond lane during commute time? A lot of them are giving the big middle finger to the requirements of the commuter lane. There is the usual offering of electric and hybrid cars, but when you notice a truck with a camper shell come barreling down the road with one lone driver, you figure either the guy is late for work, or he has to pee.

We love our coffee and along with all our prescription drugs, diet aids, sleeping tablets, boner pills, and a vast array of mind-altering substances. Where is all this leading us? Starbucks figured out the marketing a long time ago. Give the public a place to meet with soft lighting, swanky music, and have youngsters with nose rings serve you. It all seems so harmless while you are hooked on the whole show. That will be two bucks for your tall coffee, which is their smallest cup. This is how it happens. Reality is distorted, but you accept it.