I'm a Neanderthal, We’re Making a Comeback

At first, I was a little sad I was labeled part Neanderthal by 23 and Me, the website that can dissect our spit and determine how much family inbreeding has turned us into hideous creatures. Oh sure, I've been called a Neanderthal before for acting like a clumsy doofus who could screw up a perfect campfire. There was a time when I, too, would open an encyclopedia and see a picture of a Neanderthal and laugh at their little skull with no defined chin along with hairy shoulders and a hunchback torso. Even though I may possess some of these qualities, thank God my forehead brow doesn't protrude over my eyeballs.

I wasn't going to accept being labeled an ancient apeman lying down. I needed to know what my people were all about. The research told me there was a time when Neanderthals kicked some Homo Sapien butt. They were inferior to us in so many ways with their pencil necks, beady eyes, and male pattern baldness. No wonder we beat their pathetic scrawny asses all the way to the Fjords.

Like any great culture and kingdom, we were seduced with power and fell prey to wicked ways. We started screwing all of their fair maidens, which over time weakened us as rulers. The purity of our tribe got so jacked up with wimpiness that we became inflicted with club foot, sinus, yeast infections, and the worst of all...erectile dysfunction.

Ever since Andre the Giant passed, we have been without a true leader. We need to be organized to make our big come back. These damn homo saps are screwing things up so bad. They have an obsession with appearances by having expensive medical procedures like expanding their butt cheeks to look more like us. We need to purify our species and weed out all of these hordes of snot-nosed preppy hairballs and foo foo salad eating cretins. If we pull this off, our people will rule the world again, perhaps in the next 5000 years. Yes, it's a dream but not entirely impossible, so we need to start Neanderthal breeding right now!